Here is my crux of my struggle:
If I cannot do a task and show the appearance of perfection, I don't do it at all.
I'm not going to spend this post talking about my struggles to overcome trying new things, or managing the anger that always accompanies failure.
What happens when you run out of time?
I have a handful of things that I'm pretty good at. In a short list:
- Family man
- Software development
I'm not sure if those are in order... though I was once told that whenever you put down an unordered list... it's always ordered.
There seems to be ebbs and flows with how each of those items demand attention. In an ideal world, being a family man will always take the absolute priority... but let's be real here. Sometimes the job gets more attention because it's not mutually exclusive from being a family man. If I have a job, I get paid. If I get paid, I keep providing for my family.
Balance is hard.
A mentor of mine took two years to train me to say "no". To push back and say "I'm not going to do that" for the sake of making sure a balance is maintained enough where one thing doesn't squash the others completely.
... my spastic brain just interrupted me with a "you used to be funny. your blog sucks right now"
(not wrong, brain)
Anyway, it takes a LOT of effort for me to say no - a lot of effort for me not to run at something at 160mph and then burn myself out, hate what I'm doing, run away from it, then come back after a break. This clearly doesn't work for being a family man or a good software engineer.
Where am I going with this?
... I forgot. I gotta get back to work.