I'm generally a nice person. I smile at people randomly. I use my manners. I hold doors for people even when they're just outside of the non-awkward distance to door holding. I give strangers the benefit of the doubt. I say my prayers. Kiss my wife and children and tell them that I love them frequently. I call my parents at least once every other week. I'm a "decent" guy. 

But there are some people... some people who I just can't get past. There are some people that I just can't bring myself to like anymore. I've tried, I've given in my all, but in the end I always have to fall back on the haunches of "you're just a bad person".

So here's a little online toast to the people I really don't like in life. Raise your glasses high with me!

Here's to you, person distracted while on your cell phone!

Your call is really important. It would have to be if you were driving one handed with the other hand on your phone. I would bet it is even an emergency situation where the person on the other end of the line has your children held hostage and has threatened to kill one of them if you hang up or stop talking. 

I can see that you've also been practicing your telepathic abilities seeing as how you changed lanes so quickly in front of me. I must be one of those stubborn minded folk who are not easily communicated with over the ether. 

So go on, cell phone driver - keep on that phone and make sure you save the world doing it. Nothing is as important as your conversation, especially when barreling down the highway at 75mph in a large, steel bullet. If I had to balance the necessity of my children's lives and your phone call - I certainly would be willing to sacrifice my children.

No wait, just kidding... why don't you just drive into that tree over there at a high velocity. I'm not saying I wish death on you - but I do wish you severe bodily harm that prevents you from ever driving again.


Here's to you exhausted and complaining parent!

You poor, poor thing - your kids are so evil and terrible. Seeing as they are so young, they've clearly been predestined by some mysterious force to climb into this world with the sole purpose of making your life hell.

Oh... wait... maybe you're a shitty parent and that's why your kids are shitty too. But please, feel free to tell the entire social media world how much your kids aggravate you - how bad they act - how much you just need your "other" to pick up the slack so that you can have some peace and quiet and a tall glass of wine. I love reading your latest twitter and blog about how triumphant of a parent you are for making it through just one more day with your hellions, how you are the conqueror of the year because no one else but you could handle the minions of Satan thrown to the surface to burn your ambitions and dreams to the ground. 

It's not the "shitty" part of you that bothers me. There are shitty parents everywhere, and hell, even I'm sometimes a shitty parent. The reason I hate you is because you write about it on the internet to every random person who would want to read it. But what you don't seem to grasp is that anything you put on the internet is around forever. 

Our kids are going to be way more connected to the internet then we ever could be. They are going to see everything... 

and here's the clincher as to why I hate you: your kids are going to see everything you wrote about them

Imagine you sit down at your computer and look up some history of your mom or dad on the internet... and YOU came across globs and globs of hate, whining, disgust, and bitching about how shitty of a kid you are. You'd be hurt... you'd start to mistrust... you'd go through emotional turmoil over it. 

I can't wait to hear about when your kids are teenagers and destroying you. Paybacks a bitch and I full intend to grab a bowl of popcorn and enjoy the show when it happens.

Here's to you, person who thinks waste expulsion is popular mixed media!

In recent years I've come to learn that women are almost more sloppy in the bathroom than men. If I would have been writing this post 6 years ago (also around the time I got married... huh... go figure) I would have segregated this only to the male population since that is all I have direct experience with... but turns out that some-freaking-how women are more messy. Now, everyone is included in this rant. 

Guys: You have a freaking gun... a pointing device... a god forsaken wand that aims. How in the hell do you pee on the floor? A urinal is normally a 2ft x 4ft target and you can't hit that!? Especially when you are practically standing inside of it when you go? 


I wear shoes, but I still don't like standing in your pee pee that somehow made it on the floor. Having pee shoes is not a highlight of my day. 

And why... WHY would you stand and pee at the toilet and not lift the seat?! Is one extra second all the troublesome to prevent my ass from having your wee juice all over it?

And women... my god... the horror stories I've heard...

Are you a mixed media bathroom artist? Then I hate you.