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There was a time in my life when I thought I'd own the coolest car, the most tech'ed out house, and have the hottest non-commital girlfriend. It was a fantasy land where I was 25 years old, making a cool six figures on my way to seven, and living the so called "high life". A dream where I'd go to my 10 year high school reunion in my personal chopper, flying below it on a platform which is holding a grand piano and me - jamming Ben Folds Five's One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces with huge speakers blaring down on all of my old classmates, most of whom I hated at the time of this dream.

"If you really want to see me check the papers and the TV - look who's telling who what to do! Kiss my ass goodbye."

So, you may be asking yourself, how close did he get to fulfilling his dream?

Not. At. All.

Let's see how I stacked up to my dreams:

  • The coolest car
    • I used to have one of the coolest cars - a 2005 MINI Cooper S. Sexy little thing she was. However, she is no longer and now I'm killin' a dadmobile. A 2002 Mazda MPV. Don't let the "Multi-purpose Vehicle mislead you; it's a mini-van.

sex mobile
oh yeah - get's all the ladies

 

  • A tech'ed out house
    • Well at least I own a house, and we do have some decent tech lying around. But it certainly isn't the futuristic modern home with white carpets and black leather and a home control panel in every room. It's a 1960's era house and it has rooms and a roof. Ta-da!
  • The hottest non-commital girlfriend
    • I had one of those. She was hot as hell, put up with all of my shenanigans, loved to game, loved to cook, and would do anything for me. Her laugh is what I lived for, and those curves... mmmm. So I did what any self-respecting man would do. I married her. So that gets rid of "non-commital" and "girlfriend", but I'll tell ya, she's still the hottest.
  • Six figures on the way to seven
    • Funny.
  • Helicopter at the reunion
    • I didn't even go - it wasn't worth my time.
 
My dreams used to really suck

Funny how life and maturity have a way of smacking you upside the face to remind you just how big of a douche you were in the days of old. How absolutely terrible your dreams and aspirations were. Fast cars, hot chicks, and all the blow you could muster does not equal personal happiness. They're just masks that you'd put on to feign self-worth.
 
I've been learning even more just what self-worth is... well... worth. It's everything! If you can't find value in yourself, you aren't going to find it in other things as well. You know what makes me feel valuable these days? Little girl sassiness and baby vomit and poop, I can't even begin to describe the feeling of pride as I wear my badge of spit-up on my shirt from BabyB. I couldn't be more proud of my life as I clean up a poo-splosion which shot so far up his back that it hit his neck.

 

poosplosion

 

I love the looks I get from other people as my little girl throws down her opinion on matters. Even if she thinks that the bear and the wolf with the monster and the unicorn would be an excellent rebuttal to why the Wisconsin recall election will be historically significant - the fact that she has her own mind, thoughts, and personality brings nothing but smiles to my face.
 
poosplosion
 
I hop in my rusty-ass minivan, cruising to Sams club, doing 55 (it can't go much faster), and I still smile at hot girls in the car next to me. And they laugh... and I laugh... because what I have and what I am is awesome.
 
 And then my hot wife smacks me for checking out other women.


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I know that it has been a really long time since I've posted anything worth anything, but things around here have been exceptionally crazy. 

 

I mean... 2 kids what else can I say?

 

In all of this I also decided that it was a good idea to get all of my posts off of blogger (now blogspot) and onto my own hosting platform where I have complete control. You didn't really think that I'd be ok with someone else giving me limitations, do you? 

 

So, pardon my dust as I continue to get things imported and working. You'll be seeing old posts trickle in as well as new posts flowing from my fingers as I try to not be such a lazy sack of crap - and actually start blogging a little more.

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Pain. 

 
That's not a word you want in your vocabulary when caring and watching your spawn fly around on all fours, getting into and doing things they shouldn't. There is the pain that they feel when their little feet slip out from under them and the only thing left to cushion their fall is a head that is so disproportionate to the rest of their body that gravity acts quickly making sure that it is the first thing to meet the ground. Then, there is the pain the parent feels seeing the crocodile tears stream down the face knowing the new found agony they just felt. Then, and let's all be honest with ourselves here, there is  the pain of having people notice black on blue knots on your kids head who give that look of, "wow, dad, nice parenting". 
 
I have a strong conviction about this though. Even though it's painful for both me and my 1/10 scale version of me, I let it happen.
 
"You LET your child experience pain?!" (maybe this guy actually is a bad dad)

Please read me right one this one. I don't cause my child pain and I don't allow her to get in situations that would detrimental to her health. But I do let her hurt herself.
 
"My God! Why?!"
 
There is an old adage that says, "Anything that does not kill you, only makes you stronger", and I think there is a lot to be said in that. Us humans are pretty dang stubborn and it seems that we have a tough time learning things when the going is "going good". But I find it absolutely amazing how many "life lessons" and "street smart" ideals I've learned from the times in my life where going has just been a plain pain in the butt.
 
For instance: We all have that "coffee table of death". The one that sits right at the end of the couch and is the last thing that separates the living room from the dining room or the hallway. How many times have you gotten close to running into it? How many times have you told yourself that you should take that corner a little wider? Sure. We can tell ourselves that something "will probably hurt", but something about just telling yourself isn't very effective. 
But then comes the frightful, barefoot day when you actually do take that corner too close. And out of nowhere the coffee table inches out its little leg JUST far enough to clip your little, vulnerable pinkie toe, trying to separate that poor little bugger clean off of your foot. I bet you take that corner a little wider every time now, don't you?
 
For another instance: Love. We've all felt it, we've all been hurt by it. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I, with no reservation, threw my heart out to a girl. And how, every time, that girl took my heart and launched it with a force of a bat hitting a baseball during fly-ball practice. Each time I was hurt, each time I felt pain, I learned more what true love was, and more how to better handle and approach giving my heart away. I know I love my wife as much as I do BECAUSE of the pain I felt, not in spite of it.
 
"I see where you're going with this."
 
I don't like Niamonster feeling pain, but I also know that when she is learning to walk, the times she falls down help her learn how to better balance. The times her head is plastered to the wall as the only friction slowing down her decent to the ground, she is learning physics and gravity. When she crawls under the table and sits up too fast and bonks her head, she learns spacial reference. When she flings toys around and one nails her in her fat melon, she learns force and Newton's laws.
 
She won't get up and exclaim, "Daddy! I know Newton's third law now!"... and in fact every time she bonks her head on something, even though she may be kissing schools such as Harvard and Princeton goodbye, I know she is "getting it". She's learning a lot fast then if I would pull her away and protect her from every little bump and bruise. 
 
I also know that protecting her as she grows up will get tougher and tougher. Right now, she bonks her little peanut head, but someday she'll be a teenager who has a bruised heart from some boy. I want my little girl to grow into being a woman who can handle her own, who knows she can heal, who knows she can get up the next morning and continue on with life. Who knows that pain is just another step closer to being a better person. 
 
Pain will happen. Growth will happen. And I know that there is nothing I can do to stop it.
 

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It's a double edge sword having so many blogs under my responsibility right now. On the positive sharp end, I have a lot of outlets with which to draw myself to deeper understanding of a certain topic while potentially helping other people solve problems or giving them an opportunity to laugh. But there is that other negative dull painful end of the sword where I actually have to try to keep up with writing that much or scraping my skull to be witty enough as to not be a boring read. 

 
I've got my techy outlet (www.pixel73.com/blog) where I write all my advanced coding stuffs.
 
I've got my geeky, freaky car fettish outlet (claire.shankrabbit.com) where I write about my little facination that I have with my car, a 2005 MINI Cooper S. 
 
And I've got my "family" outlet (family.shankrabbit.com) where I keep family members up to date with the latest happenings. (It's a lot easier then snail mail or emails... we're cheap, I know).
 
So why start this blog?
 
I realized that I don't have an outlet of what it is like being a dad. I know some would think, "Ok... Shank... you know how many blogs are out there from dads?" Well... no... because the internet is a giant black hole of people who have blogs that think the world would be a better place if everyone read their little nuggets of analytical gold. But I can imagine that there are a lot.
 
I get that my mind-vomit isn't going to solve world hunger, and it's not going to make every man a better dad or every woman a better mom. I get that. And I'm not trying to be that person. 
 
What I will offer is what I will call, "Ponder-Heh!". Things that make you go: "Hmmm" while offering you a bit a laughter. (Which I hope you now have that song in your head... "Things that make you Ooh Ooh Ooh".)
 
What I also want to offer is a viewpoint of an engineer, a senior application developer in specific, who one day became a dad and had to deal with the idea that not everything can be solved in binary thinking. Especially all the things that happen while having a little daughter run around. 
 
I want to post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. But I also hope that I won't get smacked with that dull end of the sword. You, the reader, deserve to get at least that much for the time it took you to click a little link somewhere to end up on this page. (which ironically looks like 1.5 million other blogs out there)
 
Welcome to my family.
 
I'm the dad: ShankRabbit
My beautiful wife: Isabella
Our little girl: Niamonster (or Peanut)
 
Welcome to the spew of my words about life in our household and all the crazy unorganized thoughts that I have. 
 
Welcome to The Code Monkey Daddy, it's just another blog about some guy with a kid and a wife.